Peculiar Female Creative Enthusiast Extrordinaire

amarante_desire @ 2008-05-02T23:50:00

2008-05-03T03:51:36Z

Intro

It was one of those evenings, where everything seemed to shine blue, and glow with some surreal energy… the world almost hummed with the change from winter to fall, though still a cool night here and there, maybe some rain, though... never enough with global warming. But I digress.

It was one of those nights where a breeze hits you, and you remember being real young, running through some long paved over alleyway, or walking home with some special boy; innocent, free, bursting with hope and potential. You could do anything, because you knew nothing, but that alley, or that boy… nothing

The blue light blanketed everything, after that sunset, against such a volatile sky, indeed. The day started off cold, but sunny, and my how it changed…

I saw it coming in, over the west.

I felt it, in my bones.

It is amazing, what those moments are worth, once you start to get old, and really see the world for what it is… its so beautiful, to have those few seconds, to get taken away from the hatred, and crime, and crankiness, from the loveless marriages for money, from endless people endlessly cutting you off, from news bulletins, and school shootings, and economic crisis, from ever rocketing gas prices, and coldhearted men, that ruin your life.

But that’s a different story, altogether.

Well, maybe not… I’m quite sure it will all work itself together, this evening, quite nicely. Then again, I thought all those other evenings would have worked out nicely also, but… what a bloody mess they turned out to be, Great Nancy what a cluster fuck that was, boy howdy…

But we will get to that, in time. We always get there in time, but… that’s easier said than done now isn’t it? ‘Patience is a virtue’ they say. Well, they were never sitting in this chair, with this gun, were they? And fuck them anyway…. They are how we got into this mess, anyway… ‘they’, what nonsense!

So yes, I felt it in my bones… my left elbow, to be precise, which is funny because im only 23, and I haven’t broken it ever.. but sure enough… itll hurt me something lovely when the barometric pressure drops….

Yes… I saw how nice that blue-grey light looked, late in the evening, lining the shines of my old Chrysler New Yorker. It wasn’t quite the dark dark dark purple, of most old Chryslers, but a much nicer, almost plum. With chrome accents, and mirrors, leather interior, power everything and its mother. A rolling living room, to be sure.

With plenty of trunk space.

1 – Snap = Tyler-George, Leurius, The Laughing Man, the Wolfen, and Cully Septober.

*Tyler-George

it was like a channel changing…. One second your looking at a clear picture, and chillin out, and then its all fuzzy, and gone, and youre just kinda sitting there, like ‘damn… I finally sit down and watch something and it turns off on me. That actually might have not had such a massive drivel content either’

she laid on the couch, smiling ear to ear, listening to him talk about how he thought he was, no…. what he was having thoughts, about.

He was practically perfect, in every way. And he was telling her how he had been thinking, and how he had had epiphanies regarding a certain budding relationship…

Theirs. He was saying he wanted it to be, a relationship, and she, was beside herself….

And then, the channel changed. He sent an e-mail, of all things, directly into her vehemently beating heart….

Marla ,
I'm sorry but we cant continue to communicate anymore. I do not want to hurt you in a way i know i will. My life is in the process of changing again and i don't have time for romance. I never meant for you to get so attached to me, nor me attached to you. However I know this wouldn't work were from 2 very different worlds and when i look at you i see an innocence that i haven't seen in myself in a very long time. You're still so young to the world and i really don't wanna be that man to show the truth. I know that if you were with me you would lose that innocence that i love so much. I'm sorry but i've made my decision. There will be no more contact between us. If you call i will not answer and you will not know my new cell number. If you write i will not even read it and i will not respond. Im ending this before it starts , so even though you'll be crushed you won't be hurt for a long period of time. I'm so sorry you ever met me and i'm sorry i started to fall for you. Please respect my decision and DON'T CALL and DON"T WRITE forget so healing can start for us both. I'm sorry Lennie.
Goodbye forever,
The Mad Hatter,
-Tyler

P.S. This rejection was printed on 100% recycled paper.....

Time slowed down, and then, a few weeks later…..

* Leurius

There was another young man, Leurius of 87Voices, who had permeated her heart for some time… and he also, decided something similar… though he lived locally so when he tried to pull some cowardly ways in terms of not telling her to her face, well… she sought him out, and placed herself before him.

She poured her heart out, and still…. He denied her. And all over some misunderstanding for some fool who speaks bad English... Rubbish. A common theme among all others… for quite some time, this one….

*The Wolfen

She walked then, to the room of her oldest and closest companion/lover/friend. He was to go away for the weekend, also. Fabulous… he was also, another, very very longly present influence… a factor, in all other things, indefinitely.

They had been on and off for a long time, almost three years now, and it seemed that come what or who, or why… she always found herself snuggled up to his chest, needing him, to be there, and yet…. Unable to maintain a steady relationship… there were reasons… but she wondered sometimes, about them. Specially on those nights when he wasn’t around. He just spent the weekend away, and now he was going away again… in the middle of her crisis of wanting to drive her car off a fabulous bridge.

She left.

She got in her car, and drove, and drove, and drove.

She couldn’t find a sufficient bridge.

*Cully Septober

She found herself pondering Cully Septober…. The most completely disappeared, and longest gone of all… though again, with no word… though no e-mail either, not a peep… she clung to some hope there, but it had been months…. Though, the momories of those sweet Septober nights, and Seaside Heights… what a trip that had been… She remembered the Jasmine, and the necklaces, and the tears… She remembered the promise of their tryst, ten years ago, and now…

He had been gone a long time… she knew he was going to be gone for nine months, but…. She didn’t know she would only hear from him three times, in the first few months, and then not at all, for pretty much the next six….

She couldn’t forget him though… didn’t think she ever would… and she hoped, that her unending devotion, in heart, at least, would pay off, sometime.

Maybe hed take her away someday.

Probably not. In fact she was beginning to think she may never see him again, at all…..

*The Laughing Man…

He wrote her songs, and told her she was a Sally, to his Jack…. She swooned, and fell… this was their second go round…. And just, as Leiruis came back around, LM sensed it, and left…. Not a word, just… popped back up, and had a lady friend…. Said he didn’t like that she was talking to him about this Leurius. Who was he, how could she?

Gone…. Songs, poems, stories, and all…..

No Joker to her Harley, this time…..

Why, was this happening? Why was nothing, going to plan, why was everything, falling apart… so was the rest of her life, but this, her MEN, her ROMANCE, these things mattered to her deeply, and all of a sudden, every shred of it was gone.

She drove on, and at some point, over the music, she thought she heard some sort of snapping, or frying noise…. It almost sounded like it came from inside, her ear… maybe from behind it, even…

Surely this was nonsense.

She was also quite out of her mind, this girl…. And as time wore on, slowly a few days only…. She wondered where the tears were…. Why wasn’t she having some kind of breakdown?

She drove on, and on, and on, in her car, in the night, speeding like a demon… she almost ran over the girld cross country team at the local high school that afternoon…. It would have been a terrible day if they had not had the sense not to cross in that fated crosswalk, but, they stopped. Lucky for her. She had just passed Leurius’ house, and wasn’t thinking about the road…. Or the ten tall skinny blondes rapidly approaching the middle of it.

But it was nighttime now, and she expected no cross country teams this evening, in the parts where she went to speed, and blast music, and wonder why her everything was so falling apart. If they did appear, she might hit them this time.

…Why hadn’t she cried? Or hit something, or had some kind of spaz attack….

And then she heard the voice, for the first time.

And then she knew why, she hadn’t cried….

2 – The Gloomy Shore

...and so, she closed her eyes, and ran full force off the edge.

'Please God dont let me hit the rock wall...'

And she fell, and fell, and fell, and fell....

Then the water came....

She still had her eyes closed, so she ddnt know when shed hit it, but she i hit it, alright....

and she kept falling, and falling, and falling...

Not falling now, but sinking...

'Oh, no, why am i sinking?! i should be floating up towards the surface by now whats going on!?'

...and her pace slowed, to a drift, but still downward...

and then it stopped.

And she floated there, no longer sinking, but hanging there, suspended....

She looked around, in the blackness of the water, and could see nothing but the tiny light, of the surface, so very far away....

and she started kicking her feet, and twing to swim up, bac to the surface, before she ran out of air...

she got a few inches upwards, and she was prevented.

she panicked, and moved harder against the endless depths...

she was going to drown!

and then she realized, that-

'your little lungs dont hurt, do they?'

...wtf... the voice was comng from everywhere.... she could feel it in the water, all around her....

(they didnt.)

'Surprising, considering how many years youve been holding your breath....'

She didnt understand....

"Youre not drowning,...so where are you going, exactly? Relax..."

she looked up, towards the little bit of light, in the fading afternoon, just reaching her in the water...

'...but why? Didnt you WANT to be here? Didnt you WANT to jump? Think to me, ill hear you.... its like in your dreams, with thatboy, except, well... you wont forget this one...'

'Yes! I wanted to jump, it was the only way!

'Oh, was it now?'

'...wasnt it?'

Suddenly she felt like shed made a terrible mistake, and what the hell was this thing speaking to her thats enough.

She made a mad scramble, to swim home again, but there was no going anywhere, apparently....

"Not yet.... Youre going to be down here with me, for a while. you need this, believe me."

...Especially not home.....

"...Why havent i drowned?'

"Those are secrets you need now know, directly... However, if you dont like it, i can put things back, but... you havent enough air left in your whole body to get back to the top.... i wouldnt advise it."

She hung there, not drowning, not swimming.... waiting, listening... nothing but water, and strange entities, keeping her in the quarry...

"I realize that this is very unlike what you know, but sometimes... we have to go away from what we know. Take a gamble, take a chance..."

"Are you going to kill me? or keep me? or what? why am i down here?'

'You need a rest, is all, from saving the world....'

"what do you mean?"

'people cant just give, endlessly, forever, with no breaking point, no stop, no rest.... no return.'

"I dont understand.....'

"you will...'

"....Who are you?"

"I have many faces.... Listen... Sleep.... Dream....

Suddenly she felt very tired, and comfortable... and she began to hear very beautiful music...

It was music she knew, but couldnt quite place, in her haze....
And then she placed it....
she did in fact know this song....
It was....
it was....

~*~*~*~

She woke up, washed up on some gloomy shore....

There was a man in black sitting there near her, looking out over the ocean....

'Where am i?'

"Whoa, hi there.... youre awake...'

'yeah....'

she felt so strange, so odd, so... peculiar....

he got up, and came closer.

'How are you feeling, because i have no idea what happened to you, but youve been sleeping on this beach for days....

'I....I dont know, i feel....' She said....and as she looked at him, fr the first time, in the light... she heard ever so faintly that peculiar music....

it felt like remembering the smell of your elementary school hallways....
you cant quite grab it....

He looked at her. She started to talk, but then she trailed off and appeared at that momet to be... elsewhere.

"So how do you feel?...." he asked again. she as still staring at him, very intently, but through hmi, at the same time....

"Strange..... i feel strange... Who are you, anyway? where are we?'

"I have been wondering that myself, lately... i seem to have lost myself....
or i did... i dont know... hell of a question isnt it? i think i might have found a clue, though...
As for where we are... i havebt the faintest idea... I kind of just, found myself here, too...."

She didnt know what he meant, but, the sunset was very nice... and she didnt really care about anything else at the moment.... Who they were, where they were... whatever....

She remembered something, for just a moment, but then he spoke.

'I thought you were a goner...." he said to her, and then moved a strand of salted hair from her face...

"I.... so did i."

She laid back down on the sand, he watched her, and didnt move.

His voice sounded so familiar....

he reminded her of...
of....

...of....

She woke up on the side of the road, with her flashers on.

No idea where she was, or any recollection of how she went from driving, to being parked with her hazards on, passed the fuck out.

‘What the fuck…’

she was clouded by bits of the dream.

Many faces…..

And that voice, it was like…..

Like….

the eternal f**kery of myself...

2007-02-25T21:11:10Z

yes, merely one month and ten days or so ago, i wrote that long ode to ian and my realtionship, and here i sit at another mans house, wonderting how it is that this has happened. somehow, i woke up in that short time, and went wow..;m missing something. or, i dont want to do thisa anymore....

i sicken myself.,... i really truly do, i dont know what it is that makes my life follow this incredibly ridiculous pattern of nonsense... but i feel bad for ian because he got all wrapped up in thi mess, but then again, ifi had a dollar for ebery time that this happened than i wouldnt have had to wait almost a month to fix my car now, would i have?

no.

i dont know. i just try not to be hurtful in anyhting i do, and though i know its paifulfor him, i also know thaqt it could have been a lot wosr... but i can honestly say that once i realized it was over i took every possible step towards making it as painless as it could be,. and i can also say that through the whoile thing i did not lie nor cheat once. which is quite an accomplishment, because once i realize im not happy anymore, i begin to immediately take steps towards making that happen again.

im not a love mourner, anymore. i did that once, and for a long time and im quite happy to say, Que sera sera..,

but hes a good guy and he didnt deserve to be miserable, and i think that i have dime my best in trying to keep that true...

but yeah... its funmy how things change, isnt it?

iotsa actually quite disheartening for me... i really really really thought (as can be discernedby my previous entry, that he was going to bethe one, the last...
and yet in spite of ho i tried, how i burned, how i needed so dearly omeone to come ino my mind and just do what i needed to be done, say what i needed to be said... in spite of how hard i tried to ignore the fact that i needed those things becaus they wee not there, nor did it look like they were coming... in spite of my dsacrifice of self, and my perderverance and dedication.
STILL!!!
still, my love dwindles away, one night as i lay down in love and ake up, in solitude...

i ony hope that it isnt that way for therest, of my life...

now that, would be the ultimate joyous shame.

is it indeed better to have loved and lost? Is it?!? indeed, better than to have never loved at all...

but will it be eternally for but a momment? will my love, and the love of men, be eternally frought with mere fragments of time??

will ever, one come through? and last?

Ten Months...

2007-01-11T19:15:24Z

Today, January the eleventh is the ten month marker for Ian and myself. its so wonderful. its strange almost... he said things would somehow miraculously become better than they already were (which was awesome) when we moved in at Washington... and somehow it has actually happened. In spite of bills, and cars, and people other than ourselves... everything is working out alright, and it feels so great. its like all the little things thast used to come over me and creep in, cant.

even the past few days, i have been feeling our love for one another grow. MIne, anyway, but i know its in him too. it may not be to the degree which mine is, but then again it could be. what a wonderful thought that is, hm? i know one thing for sure. every night when i lay down, i am happier then. there, with him, than i have ever been in my life. there is nothing like the look in his eyes, no place like in his arms. A TRULY, co-planar point, if ever there ever was one... Except now there is no one, no place, else.

The reality of all this between us gets me sometimes. i dont know quite what to make of it sometimes when i feel myself growing even more towards him, more into him. its more than i can take in sometimes, and i just have to stop thinking...and feel it.

were still not using words, just like before, but still even now after all this time, i burn for somehting to say, some way, to maki it 'real'. but then again i know that to make anything real, is to give it a name, and to give something a name is to inpose upon it limitations. which then, given what were dealiing with between us, which is obviously bigger thanything i know that has a name, is to say that to name it is to impose limitations upon the will of the universe...

and hell if im going to do that.

its interesting, that sometimes i see just how immense that which is between us is, and i almost feel that for the massive nature of these feelings to be correct, then there must come some abrupt end. there must be something that will swoop down and take it from me, as with anything whichwas ever dear to me before... it just FITS with how my life has progressed, on all levels, in every situation. i have realized lately that my biggest fear in this life, right now, is not the aliens, nor the bears. its ian going out the door on a morning, and me forgetting to kiss him goodbye, and look in his eyes, and kiss him again, and then him leaving... and simply not coming home again.

this, is by far the biggest, deepest, most wretched fear. and i think about it everyday. every time he walks out the door. and i ask myself, that if he did leave now, and never came back, was this kiss good enough? did i mean it? did i look him in the eyes and caress his beautiful face?

and i the answer is no, then ill call him back and remedy that. because id never be able to live with myself, if i answered myself no, and then he never came home.

these, are the reasons why i know, that this is not only real, but penultimately, (?i think?) real.

and i know that when i go home tonight, and we lay down, ill put my hesad on his chest, just liike i did that first night back in March. and ill listen to his heartbeat, and remember...
ill remember the screaming ecstacy of the first time he really looked in my eyes... how my entire body went funny, when i finally laid down next to him, and he put his arm under my neck, and snuggled up behind me. how i turned over and looked at him so uncertain, but smilin, and put my arm under his pillow, and laid my head on his chest, and ho put his left arm around me, and took his right hand and stroked my hair, like a little kid.
and we went to sleep.

i think the two of us really just laid there feeling the energy for hours on end. but either way...

so it began, and now its almost a year later. :-)

More God/Universe Breakthrough

2006-12-08T23:33:03Z

the world has (rather, the universe,) has been sending me messages. in my spiritual awakenings that have taken place as of late, i have become exponentially more sensitive to what is going on around me. there is a lot of stuff happening every second that people simply, dismiss... i not only have the wisdom that i gained from the previous incident concerning the watchers and the three witches, but am now lerning to utilize the signs shown to me by something else.

i dont know particularly what it is, or why it is guiding me, moreover where, but the signs i have been recieving... are undeniable, really. i have come to the conclusion that to fight them is to make things ever more difficult for myself. there is definately a decided path for me, and someone/thing is taking me towards/down it.

also i made mention (i think it was in my myspace blog) of having been studying some of the Gospels lately. im generally opposed to chiristianity, but i have found that to absorb the bible not as an organized religionesque guide, but to take it in yourself (or myself given my incredibly expanded spirituality the last few years ) unobjectively, is to make sense of it in ways that, through organized religion, are impossible.

i also have the extra guidance of a good friend of mine's father, who is a former minister. a brilliant man in terms of art and history, music and philosophy, which has given him the ability to unobjectively guide me, while still affording me the option of contemplation and understanding as i see it fit. which prinicipally rocks.

anyway, there is no duobt in my mind that i am past the first stage of spiritual expansion, and i am almost certain that i have embarked upon the third stage, though i may still be in the second. i am certain that i have started a new one, and am past the first one for sure, but im not sure if im beginning the second one or the third, but i am pretty sure it is the third.

since having made these realizations, i have also had my eyes opened even further than they already were which i thought was pretty damn wide, and am now afforded the ability to see things. such as the signs i mentioned earlier.

i have no choice but toi go with it, i suppose, though what i am feeling needs to happen goes against basically everything that everyone has ever told me to do, that is right in terms of furthering oneself. though, if i said i ever felt like they were completely right without a doubt for one second id probably be struck down right this very moment.

Hence, i have once again begun a path of humble nothings, and somehow, it still feels more right to me than anything else. i once thought it was what the Beatniks were all about, and in most of the sense of who they were, they were. however, they got choked out by the thorns... i will not because i have realized this and am taking steps to avoid it, have been for years though i didnt know it.

i dont know what happens next, or where i go from it, but... i know something is in the works. im not waiting either. im actively pursuing my faith, and it is indeed coming t me in little incriments, however... i never know what it was i did to get them except try to expand my knowledge and relationship with the universe/god whatever... perhaps that is enough for right now, in this stage.

i always seem to be moving forward with it also. never standing still for too long. something always happens that gets my attention.

i dont knowwhat else to say really. float on i suppose.

heh...

2006-11-27T23:23:00Z

well, nothing is incredible here... well, now that i think about it thre are some awesome things happening. i got out of the Christine situation with th craziness and the divorce and all that. it wasnt worth eight dollars an hour to be in the middle of all that. guns and money and all that... no thanks. working in food service part time, in the process of procuring an offic job though.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand............

WE GOT AN APARTMENT!!!! MOVING IN ON THE FIFTEENTH!!!!!!

yAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Welly welly welly well...

2006-11-17T00:46:45Z

yes, life has been interesting. i have finally procured my DrIvErS LiCeNce which is nice. on what was the third, i believe, and i am working still in Neshanic Station. Ian and i are doing fine, and i have successfull weeded all fuckheads from my immediate areas of interest and interaction. Yay.

Living in High Bridge, will most likely be moving back onto Main Street, though not in the same house, thank GOD!lol. actually, ill be staying with my friend Mike most likely for a while, Ian too maybe, and then once our funds have recueperated from the last few months, well go get our own place together, which, i absolutely can not wait to do. its going to be so nice. i mean, were living together now, but its going to be different when its OUR place, ALONE. ;-)

so yeah, im munching on a huge bowl of spinach, because i love bowls packed with green stuff, lol, and then ill e consulting Ian for what it is that we will be doing tonight. we just passed our eight month anniversary which is positively wonderful.

ive been having some issues with that other dude popping into my head here and there, but i have pretty much resolved it. i talked to his mom recently fairly by accident, but i havent talked to him since we met in Clinton recently to swap my Oddworld II for his old PS controller, but i think that five minutes in and of itself may have been too much. Stupid vegan cookies... its all because of those stupid vegan cookies!!! Damn Youuuuu!

anyay, the piss of it is, i know he can fix my car, but i am just going to let the shop do it, and pay out the ass. because the money id save havig him do it, isnt NEARLY worth all the frustration that so much time alone with him while he fixes my car would cause. and i know how he is, too, eventually hed want to take a break, and then wed smoke some cigarettes and talk, and then hed want to play something he wrote on the piano for me, and id go listen, and then the car would be ignored, and god only knows what from there, and i absolutely, positively, absolutely ReFuSe to put myself into that situation.

I will not.

and therefore will aid myself in preserving my relationship for all eternity.

becuause it FuCkIng rocks...

...so long as im not being a bitch, lol.

TABITHA

2006-09-10T17:56:38Z

okay, well....

you dont seem to care enough to reply to me, so... whatever. i dont realy care honestly. everything i have to say i posted as a reply to your first assault. and the rest i sent you through MySpace.

Perhaps its better this way. its certainly not worth the nonsense, thats for goddamned certain.

have a nice life, and hopefully at some point in it, youll grow up some.

You silly, silly girl.

Ha ha ha.. elation and breakthrough. eat your hearts out.

2006-07-30T22:46:34Z

well... life has certainly been interesting. i have decided that Ian and i are hopelessly entwined within one another, and have given up all desire to fend it off, or fight it in any way. he now has the capacity to destroy me, as no other man has been allowed since The Eternal Fucker. Though i know he will not, and i love it. also, there is some decisions to be made, and understandings to be had... he and i both come from a very specific type of life... and our life together in the future, will also be very specific. Specific as in, drastically different from the lives of those around us, and well... most likely we will adopt a way oif life that will be difficult, radically different, and Frankly, not what a lot of persons would want for themselves... but one must ask themself the question which weighs what is in the mind, and above all in the heart, against what is in the pockets... many persons seem to opt ro full pockets, empty head, and mainly missing heart, whereas i chose a path (all my life) which brought me empty pockets, and hearts bursting at the seams... This one, more than any other one i have ever known. and above all that, there is a mental understanding, a connection there that i have been searching for my entire life. and now that i have it, he honestly could have his spine severed in eight places in a terrible accident ten minutes from now... and not only would i be there next to him probably when it happened, but i would absolutely stay with him, come i dont care who or what. i wouldnt leave his side for a million dollars. and i have been getting a lot of flack for this from my dad, because of a lack of monetary value nonsense... well that can kiss my ass... actually, no, im glad for it, because it forced me to further realize what thru ideals for "love" are in this world, and holy hell are they all wrong.. so my question to myserlf is, am i insane for sacrificiing a future of monetary complacency, in exchange for the one true thing that man hasd searched for his whole life since the dawn of time? nevermind. there is no question. as a matter of fact, i hope we live in a cardboard box. :-) ill still be happy.

MySpace is down, so im posting this here...

2006-07-24T02:33:17Z

Once upon a time... there was a young girl named Faericin who fell in love with an evil evil man. he was Prince Gale Malkin, who rode in on a black horse, in black armor; his hair blowing in the wind.

the young girl loved him deeply, though she said not for along time. For, her lady friend Mira was in love with him also, and though the young girl loved the young man, he was not indeed hers to love.

but she loved him anyway, and one day, as she and he sat talking in her room, for her other female friend had gone home, he happened upon some poetry....

he read her words and knew then all the things that she dared not speak to him, no matter how her heart burned...

but he read them anyway, as she sat there blushing on the bed, shaking...

what would he say?

the air was ripe with the need for change... and she knew this.

but her dear Mira loved him! she dared noteven ask him what it was that he was thinking... now that he had read.

he looked up to her smiling in a most vulpine way...

and her friends fell away, and her world fell into Fall.

The many splenmdors of the time then to follow were beautiful to the point where they were miserable.

such diving connections, such longing gazes into eyes above silent mouths... until someone cried, the seams of their heart bursting with a love like no other.

Mira went away, and the prince gale took over all aspects, of mind body and soul... and Fearicin was fine with it. for oh, how good it felt to have a lover lodged so beautifully into ones soul.

and then, a year later, the dark skies came....

for he loved her, and Mira loved her, and neither one oif them seemed to fill the hold in her heart anymore.

and Gale...
well... Gale loved everyone.
yes, he loved them til they hated any others that he loved as well, causing war, and bringing anger and sadness of the worlds, of all who touched him.

all who loved him, in his condo living room, tasting like Bailey's, and smellingof patchouli, burning for the glimmering chance of things to be they used to be. like they were before the skies turned so ominous...

but no, he only touched them ,and left them in the morning, taking phone calls, and assisting others with their 'needs', because the world is such a sad sad place... and everyone seems to need his princly valor to make it right again.

especially women.

and faericin ran far outinto the hills, leaving him as far behgind as she could. left him, and all she knew. mira, her famly, her old home, and the town it was in.

anything, to get out from under that false sense of hope, and away from the ever alluring draw, of him.

"oh, the nightmares came today.. and it looks as though theyre here to stay..."

and time passed...
and time passed...
and time passed...

Five years, went by and still, in the rainy monday night she cried from time to time, longin for his eyes to stare deep into her as they once did, and see everything.

but they wouldnt, and she knew it. for he had thrown his rose to the floor. yes, it was covered in steel, so she thought she could take it, but...

it was still glass beneath it all...

and glass breaks.

and time went by and he came back again. he came back, and he took something else. though, she often wondered if it was only appropriate for him to have, what he had taken...

indeed, perhaps that thing, was not what it had seemed to be at all...

and then finally, having taken all this, he left for good.

Faericin did not see him again.

though, in the space where there had once been a rose, there was now a shattered sharded mess, ends tipped in blood, all things lovely a disaster.

so there was a glistening glass vine, and a glistening mess beneath it.

and time passed.
and time passed
and time passed.

and one day...

there came another man.
he came, and he touched her face.

he looked in her eyes, and he saw everything.

not as prince Malking had done. No, he was all the glamour, and saw what he needed to see, in order to take. he was a taker.

but this man...

he came to her, and touched her face, and she instantly fell into a deep sleep, free from the shards of glass in her eyes, and the thougts in her mind.

and the clouds that had cxome to her so long ago... brining the thunder and rain, the lightning that she felt course through her when prince gale touched her. the clouds had gone silent and the rain had ceased, letting no other thing grow on that beautiful vine, agter that wretched shattered rose.

but as he looked to her, and as he held her. as she slept there silent and peaceful, for the first time in what seemed like eternity... the sky opened up gently, and thunder rumbled in the distance...

and even in her dreams, she felt the electricity, felt the thunder getting closer, and humming in her chest...

yet some how different, somehow even more, than before...

and knowing what one man is capable of having the ability to bring such thunder and electricity..
knowing what can do can a man that brings the rain....

and feeling how much more, even...was this then....

she opened her eyes,m and came to her feet... only to fall then to her knees, and bid him never go away...

then she saw that this mans eyes, were not black....

but blue...

and she felt the difference, that final inch, which made it all fathomless...

and she begged him not break her heart....

as she smiled into him, every night, for all time.

come nothing....

for he loved only her... and not everyone.

for his eyes were bluer...
than the purest blue...
deeper than the deepest ocean....

and she could feel the safety therein, the unyielding, unwavering promise of what she could never have even dreamed...

even if she stayed there in the sleep he gave her, forever...

the gifts in his eyes, the devotion there in his very being....

would not be there...

so she woke.. and walked on, out of her grave of sadness... and into the night, with the warrior, who slew darkness...

updating, yay...

2006-07-09T22:48:16Z

well lets see.. whats been going on sonce last time...

i havent been back to work for the furniture guy since around the eighteenth of june... um, so i still have no money, but i dont really care i think, because my devotion to my cause of being/further becoming one who can exist outside of the things that most men consider necessity rages on.

Plus, being with Ian, has only further opened my ewyes to it, as before i was with mat, and he was all about money all the time, no matter what. which, i hated profusely.

i think a lot of people think of me as a bum, and that i am missing out on life, but i think that i am merely choosing a more direct path to enlightenment. as a matter of fact, i think that most people arent even oging to get there at all... its a pity, really.

but it is enough for me now to get myself there, as opposed to trying to tae others with me. i know now that some men simply will not open their eyes, because they think that their eyes are open as far as they can go. they aer older, and therefore they think they are wiser, when in fact, they are mere marionettes on corporate strings.

ha ha ha ha ha. silly puppets.

no, j/k.. it is not in my nature to condescent towards one who decided these things are all the things that there are, but i will however tell them my point of view should it arise.

yes, i would be perfectly happy living in a box somewhere, as long as i had a way to keep it dry, and it was big enough to sleep in. if any of you know any of my old roomated from when i livved on morris st. in P-burg, ask them what i got myself into on Brainard.

everyone seemed to think that iwas making some huge mistake, and that becauser the place wqas such a shit hole, that it couldnt give me anything. well, maybe i didnt want anything. in facxt, i learned more living there the way that i was, in that six months, that i did anywhere else, for any other length of time.

i hit bottom as they say, and i did it on purpose. i could have stopped it hell yes, but i felt that i was learning.

and i am learning now. i live with my dad, yes, but still... thats not going to last much longer.

and Ian and i have begun to formulate some sort of a plan for our future...

were going to be one of thoise couples that really does live life... in one of those ways that no one thinks a man can live it. because their eyes dont open that wide, unfortunately for them..

yes, i think i can say now that i have truly found the other half to me. there is not one doubt in my mind in fact. i believe very firmly that no matter what course our plans take, or where we ifnd ourselves, he and i will be happy with what we are doing, because we are together, and we, no matter what, will never be a part of this world, as most men are.

we are here, and you can see us, touch us, speak directly to us and probably get an answer... but he and i are different, and therefore, it stands to reason that our lives will progress differently.

i do not doubt this for a second.

were going to be happy, i know that...

so yes...

i suppose that this is the reason i dont normally post about money, and my job, and money again, and the world...

it sucks man, move on...

these things are the vices with which God tests us.

we must see through.

anyhow... mark my words, and forgive my scatterbrained stuttering thought patterns...

someday there will be a p[ost in here, and it will tell of our many adventures...

who wants to bet me five bucks that they wont entail a desk, a skirt, and an asshole boss?

and ill bet another ten that when i post it, some of you will read it and go, 'hey... i wonder why i didnt do that?'

its not too late guys...

its not as hard as you think to uncondition yourselves.... and once you begin, it just feels too good to stop.

its like you can see the world with special sunglasses...

Rrrr!

2006-06-15T02:54:43Z

Wow... well, i finally have a job. im a stripper!

of furniture, that is....

right now i am supervising Ians room restoration project... i supervise good! andf i offer the best incentive bonuses!

Again, with the crazy, ha ha ha....

2006-06-04T22:02:42Z

Well, enough time has passed since my last post to let the uncertainties of the last one dicintegrate... most of the way...

Im excited about going to Ragnarok in Ohio this summer, and i know it will be a great time. im a little woirried about the monetary aspect of it though, because i can get a hundred dollartd, MAYBE two, and thats really (according to Ryran( the minimum amount i can bring with me. its 40 to get in, and probably going to ba sixty for gas contributions and plus i owe him 20 for last time, when we went to mayhem. Rrrrr! I hate money! i really really hate it!

i really hope that my financial situation doesnt ruin this, because if that happens, im gonna be pissed. yeah yeah, money makes the world go round and all that, but fuck you buddy... right in the ear.

aside from that, the magic man and i are doing very well. im getting a little antsy and insettled because almost three months have passed and that just how i seem to operate.... but i have acknowledged my brain's (and body, later, but i will avoid that too...) tendencies to do what it is doing, and i just take it one thought at a time, one day at a time, and constantly remind myself of what a wonderful man i have by my side, and that i am indeed, entirely too picky and judgemental for my own good.

And theres isnt even really anything to pick on, i mean, hes very good looking, in so many ways i can hardly keep my claws out of him, hes elegant (not a lot, but enough to be noticeable and make me wat to drag him off and de-suave the entire situation...) hes intelligent, hes strong, amusing, and hes beginner, so that makes my tendencies to be UNBELIEVEABLY insecure, dwindle, because i know, that i am not being compared, to anyone else, for any reason.

So, all things considered, i am doing well, considering the fact that i generally do begin to subconcously sabotage my relationships around now, but... i can feel the thoughts coming, and i catch them before they worm their way into my head to far... And, i know that if it gets too heavy, i can just back myself away for a week or so, and i am 100% certain, that i will come to my senses by the end of day three or four without him...

Now, i just have to stay out of trouble, so things dont get toi that point, and everything will be fine...

Also, my dad put up for my first car. its in our yard, to be insured and registered near the end of june. its beautiful. its a burgundy Chrysler ("Pimp drives a caddy and a lady drives a Chrysler" - David Bowie, Young Americans...) New Yorker, (Fifth Avenue edition, or something like that...) 1990, power EVERYTHING, and i mean, seriously, everything. if the right fuse blows or gets wet in that car, its all over, lol. but, i think it will be nice... The back seat is quite possibly bigger than any other i have ever seen, lol. (Which is great, because ians legs are long as hell, and im a chub, lol...) aaaand, yeah, its hot.

Mat and i...

i feel really bad for the kid, because, he went out and started dating that woman with the fifteen year old daughter, that wouldnt tell him how old she is, and i (after hearing osme other minor details) told him it was a bad situation.... aaaand, now she hasnt called him for a week, and he's called her twice a day for every day this week... and we hung out yesterday, and he was just, sad, you know? and it makes me sad, to see him sad, (obviously, or it wouldne have taken upwards of eight months to leave him...) and yeah... the whole thing is just sad...

ill admit, as time goes on, i miss him. like today, i saw a video game in a store, and i almost cried right there. it was in our room when he spent those thousands of dollars on our one year anniversary, and we played it togther, and blah blah...its sad. i try to ignore it, but no matter how happy i am, it still comes through... im going to move on to something else because ians behind me, and if i cry i have this undeniable feeling that his teary senses will tingle...

so yeah....

my gardens are getting huge. my god are they huge. with all the rain and stormas lately, they are just monsterous....

yeah, i think im done here. :-(

Hmmm....

2006-05-27T03:44:10Z

Well, nothing much has changed since last time. i find that in relation to my self-doubt regarding myself, really, and my behaviours in my relationship, that it all comes down to Mat. Again...

Everything seems to be fine, until i talk to him. i know what it is too, its that he talks about that goddamn woman whose name i will absolutely not mention here in MY territory, and i get WAY uncomfortable. and then i feel bad because i put myself in his position of when i started seeing Ian, and how hard it must have been for him. im stronger than he is in every way possible, and yet somehoe, i can not deal with his associations with this woman!

Perhaps its that fact that he isnt even 25 yet, and this woman has a fifteen year old daughter, i dont know. or, perhaps that fact that he feels that their magical connection came from a night when she called him looking for consolation, and he babied her. or, maybe its just the fact that hes dumb, and i can feel that shes dumb, and io cant seem to process the two idiots make a right situation, and it aggrevates me. or maybe its that shes going to manipulate and hurt him and i can smell it coming, and theres a million signs, and he just doesnt want to deal with it so hes hanging around her for the lay. Which, is another thing that positively turns my stoimach to the point that i want to vomit all over theplace.

and then, when i get all frazzled as i have just demonstrated here, i think of Ian, and it soothes me, because i know that all the juvenile nonsense is over now, and i have begun anew. (i just hope to god that this doesnt turn into another one of those childish nonsenses that i always seem to find myself in, however, if it does, i have a feeling that there will be no one to blame but myself... again...)
but i digress...

but i think of him, and the fact that there is NONE of this NONSENSE between us (thank you god, this is really all i ever asked for...) and i feel better....

but then i get to,'well, why are things so good? what isnt he telling me? ami even doing anything? why does Ryan act soweird? ami wedging myself between them? what about the thing at Mayhem? why did he run away? was he weiorded out by the kiss Ian gave me a mere three inches from his head? do i make him uncomfortable? is Ian threatened by him? ***all these ideas were implemented by Matthew Troy Tiedeman***
would he tell me if somthing was weird? am i behaving properly to al invoilved parties? what about...."

and on, and on, andf on,

until i work myself into a frenzy, anfd find that not only have i created problems from nothing, but now, because of my dwelling, i wonder if i have actually materialized actual problems, which, could only have comne from one placve.... Me!

and then, (Again God, Thank You...)

I look into his eyes, and i know, that no matter what i think, or how i feel, or what crazy ideas work their way into my head...

i know, that in a matter of hours, i will see him, and we will be together, and i will literally feel, all the badness, dissolving....

and he will hold me, and look into my eyes, and squeeze me, and i will know, for sure (See, i have doubts with my thoughts, but when the truth comes and looks me in the face, i know it is certain...) i will know for sure, that it will be okay.

...and i breathe deep, as i did at 4:43 that one Sunday Morning, and all the darkness...

f d
a e
s
~
a
w
a
y
.
.
.

hmmm.

2006-05-19T15:59:43Z

Life, is a weird thing. i am sure many of you know this by this point in your own existences. I think that i have decided to generally discredit my own ideas of what i have previously concieved to be its meaning, and reasoning. Some of which, anyway. A large chunk of the world still fits into thre category of idiots, imbeciles, and falsities, but i feel that perhaps i have at times in my past underestimated a few peoplw. One being myself of course, for i incessantly do that, and two being the male species.

indeed, many of them are complete and total morons.....

they are insensitive, uncaring, and extremely immature and childish (which i LOATHE more than most any other behaviours...that and being oversexed...) and generally dumbasses.

due to a choice few, (most of which have been mentioned in some postings since 2002...) my perceptions of all males, have been steadily diminishing, and my faoith in finding osmeone to be with complacently amongst their species, steadily dissipating...

i think that my standards dropped alittle with every one. but then again, i have also learned in recent months that i am an insatiable female. Matt told me that he had bent over back wards, and simply could not make me happy. but then i wonder if it wasnt so much that i rejected his tries, many of them that they were... but that he just COULDNT succed in keeping me happy due to his personality, and upbringing. we were entirely to different.

i think that because we found our own personal joys in things so vestly different from one another, there was really no possible way that he could have maintained a healthy relationship with me.

am i sorry that he wenbt so completely out of his way and contorted himself into something totally different than what he was in order to try and keep me happy? Of course i am. but it was either that, and keep hoping that we'd find some common ground, or send him packing. which neither of us was really ready to do.

but the question still remains in my mind of wether or not i ask for too much, and generally contain within mysekf thought patterns which expect more from others than they feel is normal to give. i think this may be so...

i really try not to ask people for a lot, but due to my HUGE issue with authority in the workplace, pecuniary problems follow me all over. i dont know what it is. i can not work with complete and total idiots, is what i think the major issue is, but aside from that, i will not work with pompus assholes either.

Unfortunately those are really the only two kinds of people there are in the world to be co-working with.

So i dont. And i generally believe that i am justified in my doings, because of my aforementioned reasons. stupid people make me very angry. very very very angry.

and i get angry, i dont focus, and when i dont focus, i make mistakes, and when i make mistakes, people see them, they see them and they remark on them, they make remarks and reprimands, and i know that they are watching for me to makew more after that...

and then the whole thing spirals out and out and out, into i have an anxiety attack, and freak the fuck out. at which point people think im even weirder than i am, and watch me more closely, and then the whole thing repeats itself, on and on, worse and worse, until i quit, or get fired.

I am slowly coming to accept the problenms that i have, and i am also beginning to accept that i may have to make some lifestyle changes to accommodate them. The first of which, i think, is to find a job that will enable me to work with a minimal number of people, and therefore have to deal with that much less possible paranoia leading to anxiety etc.,

it also helps that i have someone near me most of the time that can understand all this madness...

it helps a lot actually, thati know i am not alone... we may not have exactly tjhe same problems, but he understands what i feel, its like he can reach in and touch it, and i can feel that. and its comforting.

it is comforting, it is calming, and it is generally anough to make me able to see other things in my life, and how to handle them, because this giant cloud of questions od out of my head.

i know i am not alone, and i know i never was, it was merely a matter of timing, and proximity... Fate was teaching me things i would not have been able to learn, if we had found each other sooner. and i did learn, and i did understand...

but the clarity now, is wonderful. i can see solid and difinitive lines, and they fit beautifully into and next to my own...

i feel safe, protected, and that i am no longer incomplete, which i feel had a lot to do with my perception of all things.

i couldnt see everytihg, because i wasnt entirely there myself.

And now i am...

and with a little time, and nderstanding, i will only be even more, here.

Gardening!

2006-05-13T22:01:48Z

My life is pretty much the same a sit was before, xcept that i have taken to gardening. i have planted three beds so far, and am at this time working on a shade garden for the front of the house, because it is generally obstructed by a giant pine tree.

i have apparently inherited my dads green thumb. Actually, i rock, and have hereby decreed that i can grow absolutely anything at all. my list of things currently in-plant are as follows:

Flowers:
Bachelor Buttons, blue, white, pink, and purple
Cleome
Salvia
California Daisies
Swan River Daisies
Grandpa Ott Morning Glories,
Sunrise Morning Glories,
Spectac morning Glories
Morinarus (Glory family)
Hollyhock
Delphinium
Pansies
Giant Pansies
Gypsophilia
Purple Iris
Sweet William
Mum (1)
Sunflowers
Sweet Pea
Zinnia
Azalea

Vegetables:
Radish (My dad just chucked them into one of my flower beds tosee how hardy they are, and if they will grow by themselves. Which i am sure that they will, due to the fact that they dont belong in the bed that he threw them into. Due to that fact, they will probably grow like weeds. Which, technically they are, being that they are vegetables, and are currently germinating in my flower bed!)
Yellow Squash
Turnips
Reutabega
And my dad has a massive garden of strictly tomatoes and peppers, as per usual.

Some of these flowers i have mentioned will grow to up to six feet.mainly the cleome, hollyhock, delphinium, and salvia. others will be generally small.

I rule the gardening universe!

lovely lovely

2006-04-20T17:18:16Z

Well, things have once again changed. Matthew and i are not only finished but FINISHED. he decided to pull osme nonsense, and i, not ever having stood for such things, decided that enough had become entirely more than enough, and told him promptly, to take a hike, and stay there. i will be returning his things through this week, most likely monday. The entire situation aggrevates the living hell out of me every second, and now that things have taken this turn, i wish more than anything for it to just be over.... but he will not let it be so, so, i must do it mine own self. Hopefully i wont have to deal with this much more than a week...

Now... to talk about what DoEsN'T SuCk! I mentioned running into an old friend at Clinton Station one night, and how the whole thing was getting all kinds of bangarang wonderful. Well, such wonders have continued beautifully, and the two of us decided that we would be together. And it is indeed, wonderful. not much goes on, but i think thats what its supposed to be like, in that the mental bond that we have/are continuing to forge, is not only enough, but everything i have ever looked for, and not found. Example: we played a word association bout last night, and there was one point where i positively could not believe that single words could say so infinitely much. and i loved it, because, not only were his words beautifully and perfectly placed, but he said the very words i was going to say on SO many occasions it was unbelieveable.

Im indeed quite content, with all this, and in spite of all the efforts of the material world and its numerous ass-hats, our relationship is proving not only to be proper, but more importantly, right. to all those who think theyre with who they should be. next time you question yourself, and your significant other, ask not what you know, but what you FEEL. I gaurantee, volumes will be spilled forth unto you, and if they tell you to split, then go. i just wasted two years not listening to myself, and in essence damning myself to being alone for yet another coup[le of years ion addition to the rest of my life....

...and as soon as i let go of it all, and opened myself, to the Is, the universe put me where i needed to be, and gave me whaT I had needed all along, albeit it was in a place i never would have thought to look, at the moment when i had least expected it...

So yes, thats about it. Listen to yourself, boys and girls. listen hard, and when you hear something, listen again, and then trust yourself on it. youll go places you would never have found, had you decided to just listen to the rest of the mindless chatter of the material world, instead. everything one needs to know is already inside them. its all really just a matter of accepting that we know it, and learning to use that knowledge.
...once you know the magician's secrets, it isnt magic anymore, but common practice... and being magical all comes from listening to what 'isnt there'....

do it. you'll go places and find things you never would have thought to have thinked were ever possibly possible to be there.

HA!

Well, once again...

2006-03-27T19:54:06Z

Life moves, so incredibly fast, my friends. Once again my situation has changed completely:

Ive broken up with Mat for good, but were still very good friends.

Ive moved back home, and am currnetly working on obtaining my license.

I got fired From Clinton Station, due to that horrid bout of conjunctive Flu/Sinus Infection/Strep, and the absence it entailed. Though, to say my dad had nothing to do with my termination is a lie... but thats another story. not a bad one though, quite amusing actually.)

However, the firing was not before i ran into an old friend/acquaitance at the diner, one night. And, might i say, that said encounter has proved indeed, not chance at all. Impossible, really. and indeed, spiraled out into many little adventures, which, im quite unsure how to pursue... but i have my hunches.

aside from that, all is well.

my religious front has taken new turns towards fullfilment, though i wont divulge precisely how. anyway....

Be well, all of you, and i shall see you later.

P.S. - Illusions, my friends.

...Everything, is all... Illusions.

okay then...

2006-02-04T19:17:17Z

Well, these been little progress in my life. lots of backpedaling though. had and lost a good job. made a friends that does ther music for BMW at porters, that was and i do not know if still is interested in using my words over his music. mat and i are working dilligently to remain what we are after nearly a year and a half. and i havent been to a reading in about two weeks. ive moved back to jersey, though ill not say where. ium not quite certain what to make of all this... not quite certain if im going backwards, indeed, or moving forward in such a way that i required me to break all the former restrictions i once had, and the few that have remained on me.

i trashed another cassette that i founf last night. aside from that, i cut a few new tracks, and sent one cd off to japan. theres another going to canada for lenny soon. i think. hes so elusive and busy i dont really know if i should be that worried about it because even if it does get there in time, then i still have a million years to wait before i ever get to hear any feedback... anyway, his and my last conversation centered around the physics of a holographic universe, and i have to go investigate the string theory now... later.

Oh, these multiple sons, with their mandible tongues.... Aaaah, yeaze...

2005-11-21T19:33:49Z

..............Oh, these multiple sons, with their mandible tongues...........

yes, ladies and gents, thats about all correct.

Indeed, i went to my usual reading at the quadrant this last thursday eve. all was well, except for a three dollar cover that my bohemian self couldnt cover. Nonetheless, my friend the doorman who runs the "Universe Room" (I.e., open mic at the quadrant)let me in anyway. i had not a dime. Well, thats a lie. i actually had a dime. but that was it.

so i went in and did my thing, and then came the time when i was to leave. yay, another night gone well.

well, i went to go say goodbye to mother Earth and Cosmic Cruiser, and after my hug from the latter, decided to inquire about the reading that they tend to go to after the Quadrant, which is at Porters.

I thoguh i might not go, so i said ojkay then see you next week, and then Mother Earth turns around, i dont know if he was listening or not, said 'so well see you down there tonight then?' and nodded in a way.

i was certain hed just heard me decline, kinda.

thinking this all along the lines of some intergalactic godsmack, i accepted, and moseyed home to get really high, and plot.

i called my friend brian because Estefan (Shannon) would not go because her fuck buddy friend acquaintance whatever, (We'll call him Quiet...)Quiet was there and she was not going to leave.

Moving on, i went, i found Cruiser and Mother, and proceeded to stand there with brian feeling not entirely unlike an excited and fluttering sardine...

i asked cruiser about something hed mentioned to me about a literary pamphlet or some such thing, and he began to talk, and i instantly realized, that what they had decided to want to do, was not only somehting i understood, but had AlReAdY DoNe!

anticipating this, i wipped out my two copies of America, my literary zine that i did when i was younger, and explained that i had uindeed, sought the work inside, staffed it, comprised it, laid it out, and founf its printer, by myself, and for free... (I kind of had help, but most often my counterparts, [one of which was that treacherous boyfriend that tried to eradicate me so well mentally...] usually wound up running off and fondling one another....which is sort of what im hoping for here, again, but in a different more structured kind of way, or whatever)

anyway, the one that drives me mad, whose face haunts my dreams, my work, and certainly my dreary city afternoons, says words that i had come there, to hear.
"Wow, man... do you have our phone numbers?"
"No, i do not."
"Would you like them?"
"Indeed i would."
"Do you have the business card i gave you earlier, and a pen?"
"Yes, i certainly do..." (Giggidy giggity, giggidy goo...YEEEEEEEES!)

i didnt care what really happened after that, really. for i had what i came for in my pocket... Muah ha ha ha ha ha...

however, the night grew still amazing, for then later, i found these two "Flotsam & Sleuth" characters near me, [hardly the sae were they, now, ha ha ha.]and Mother Earth/Flotsam turns to me and says......
"Hey Kim, Thanksgiving night, after all your family shit is over with,you should come up to my place. Cruiser and myself are having a thing for the magazine, and, yeah."

"I freaked out and mumbled something about 'shit i think i might be double booking myself", whiich i thought i might have been....but not really, just playing hard to get, in my literary way,...

finally, tables opened up a little, and i found myself staring longingly at one of my bohemian counterparts... indeed, life was pleasnatly sweet enough.

and then one of them read something that i swear to god must have, could not have, been about anyone other than me. (Please God!!!!)

Then my name was called, and i read, and got my SeVeRe adult propos. Indeed, i have officially entered the true 'scene' for lack of a better term. a 'scene' that probably wouldnt exist except for these characters of mine that i know to be truly, dedicated to the bohemian way....

and now they want my collaboration...

indeed, i read and was VERY VERY VERY well recieved...

i fluttered and bowed, and took my seat....

all in a nights work, my dears...
all...
in a nights work.

i will, be a figurehead, in this. i promise...

a miovement is under way, and these two, and me, are going to make it happen so hard, that i gaurantee, that our words, will cause the earth, to tremble...

Zinga!

Furthermore!

2005-11-16T22:20:05Z

i woke up in the rain
and put tea in my brain
and smoked til i was sane enough,
to correct and operatively maintain,

i am negligent and lazy,
uber-erotic and still hazy
save me!
the poets come to break me!
he'll make me!
shake the tree of all the words i said!
the promises i made in bed!

Oh, this aching in my head,
what was it that he said?
and him?
what did he say?
what did i say,
...exactly?
Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Strange Days

2005-11-16T22:15:08Z

I dont know what my problem is lately, but i think im finally starting to settle into that little crack between madness and just plain weird...
hmmm...
writing a lot lately. Its the first time i can say that in a really really long time. doing the readings as much as i can... they seem to be going really really well...indeed.
anyway back to my brain and the shennaniggi as of late.
i posted a post about a young man, earlier. The whole thing feels like a periodic and continuing dream, intermittint as it is. and when its there its there, but when its not, its not to the point where i doubt i even thought the things i thought, but then i find them on PaPeR!
Yeeeeeah! Okay!
and then i write a prolific tome concerning Matthew and myself and out relationship.
its ownderful, really. i think...
like i said, everything is strange so i dont really know what to make of the work that i find myself producing...
hmmm...

CiGgArEtTe BrEaK!

Everyone go onto the nearest stoop, porch, or entrance/exit way you can find, and light yourself a stoge. Even if you do not smoke, you must right now, for it has been decreed... Be sure to somehow incorporate fondling your chin for answers while you are in deep contemplation, as you puff...
Ponder me, i say!
3...2...1...Break Over!

Now, aside from that all... Sergio came over and met shannon and some how managed to take the three seconds for which i left them in the room together alone to try and seduce her in his bolivian way...
of course we were all high, so i should have known he was going to pull something... im sure we all remember the tale of wghat he did to me for my birthday, ya?
then, her friend Rory comes over, and we were hangin out smoking again.but Rorys definately different than Sergio, ha ha ha.
No, RoRy's cool, seriously.
so i went in my room and wrote my eight page prolific explanation of love, come out and watch some tv, see shannon's asleep on her chair and resolve to be quiet. i inhibited my couch on the other side of the room, and watched futurama. Rory is super quiet so i thought he was sleeping, but i knoew that even if he wasnt, i still wouldnt know unless something super funny happened...
like Bender gets to meet God, who talks in Binary...
we smoked a bowl, and watched tv, and then i went back into my hole to go and add some final touches, which turned out to be a page opr two, throughout. Then, i went to bed around five, and soon realized that sleep, had left me behind. For real.
There was no way i was going to go to sleep, and at some point it was 7 am and i called mat, but woke him up too early too, and by the time he called me back i had passed out, 7 something.
my phone was off, and i woke at two something, checked my messages and realized that i was supposed to work today and be done by three. Yeah Right!
and i snoozed on happily dreaming!
And the dreams! i still remember them well.
again, water, lots of it, and this bearded hippie freak dude from the readings. And i will admit, that this character has definately made an impression. Frankly, its been a back burner pot boiler as it were, hAR HAR HAR! sine i laid eyes on the fellow...
then i ran into him at a restraunt where he works, while i was on a date with mat one night, and i spied him, and apparently he spied me at somepoint, (but i was uncertain, without his shades. But it must be!)
Over he comes, and starts talking to me, and hey who is that hes ignoring completely that he may flirt some light amount?
Matthew!
Ha! Oh LORDY not this CrAzInEsS again!

My hormones are out of control...!

Hmmm...

2005-10-29T01:17:03Z

Havent posted in a while. Things are weird. Everytyhing gets weirder and weirder.

i finally solidified my belief that when you try harder than youve ever tried before to do osmething it only increases your chances of having it explode all over you.

In other news, ive become a zombie, caring little about anything, and so deeply about nothing. Nihilism? perhaps, but still, there are those moments of defined glorious hapiness.

...arent there? or are there indeed?

i dont remember.

ha.

Evan matthew matter realistic icicles hanging dusted hope for some long gone day of pining for the christmas teeth and pie glue gods that i adored, while i dwelt in houses of gold and angels; though while therem seemed to think it was the castle of the damned, indeed.

And there, for you my pretties are some nonsensical ramblings of which i make perfect sense.

and i do.

its all nothing anymore. the world really is nothing more than just a giant asshole.

asshole of the universe? i dont know....

but it is nonetheless merely a giant cornhole, spinning complacently on its shit encrusted axis.

sigh...

what is?

what was and is? is and never was? was and is no more? was and should still be... but isnt?

why, everything, my darlings.

everything.

i have everything one could really ask for, all one could ever really need, to go on, and ge complacent, in life.

especially for the type of life, which i have chosen, as such a minimalist.

everything.

and yet, i stare at walls, and contemplate the feeling which has me all these times. this shroud of interior numbness. this eternally ethereal and ever so sublimely morbid fascination, with fear, and nothingnesses, and all that makes holes in the whole.

Holes, i say.

Holes, in the whole.

the things which are in existance, only that one might fall through.

but one must be very close, in order to fall in...

unless you were falling from up high...

but one would indeed, have to be close to fall in, no?

and how indeed does one get so close to the edge of such a whole?

...by becoming fascinated.

And the best part of it is?

i dont think there is a soul on this earth, that could get me away from it.

P.S. to my other post...

2005-09-12T16:41:45Z

were coming up on a year soon, was my point before i got into myself. :) and in spite of how long were together now, it only seems to get better, not worse, which is what gets me. we go through these horrid things, and every time, we do, theres something there that maked it totally worth while. times a million.
Awesome. 8-)

If Thou Hast Not Been Able To Love.....

2005-09-12T16:32:17Z

Well, the surgery went fine, i think. i have rescheduled my follow up twice now, so i dont know for certain wether everything is indeed fine, but... i feel okay... Matias's response to that was that "people die from internal bleeding all the time, because they dont know they have it." Well... yeah ill go to the doctor.. but one i cant get there anytime soon, and two, i owe him money and i definately dont have it.

Aside from that... lets have some retrospection here...

Wednesday, i have the surgery. i come home, and i sleep. Matthew is by my side the whole time. :) same for thursday, and most of Friday. i was up walking around the apartment the same day i got the surgery, but didnt venture back out into the world for another few days.

However, being inside with Matthew, mostly incapacitated and helpless, made for some very interesting conversations, discoveries, and general revaluations of our relationship...

So much so that we started talking about getting engaged and things of such a sort, which is amazing becuase, just three weeks or so ago, we were practically beginning to distance ourselves. well, me, mainly, but still.

I feel, like i am sixteen, again. i feel, like i am in that wonderful relationship i was in when i was younger; the one that was so perfect, so beautiful, so innocent and pure. The one that filled me with emotions to the point where i would feel as though i might burst.

I almost can not fathom it. And it is indeed peculiar, because the relationship in my past that i speak of, went sour (<---SeVeRe UnDerSTaTeMenT)at around six months in. Beyond that, after that six months, there came two more, (and precisely twenty-four hours, after ThAt)which we remained together through, but were so incredibly unhappy (<---AnOthEr SeVeRe UndErsTatEmEnt)that there were certainly more tears than there were smiles.

Now, That whole mess lasted eight months, and one day, a mere five and a half of which, could even possibly be considered 'gOoD'(<--- i DoNt KnOw WhgaT KinD oF sTaTemEnt ThaT iS BuT iT doEsnT fEeL rIGht...)

This one, will be [[[ElEvEn MoNtHs]]] as of the sixteenth of september. There have been very few tears, and those that i cried because i was filled to the brim of my existence with extremes of emotion, (<--- AnOtHeR wRoNg StAtEmEnT... I Can fInd No wOrdS For tHe FeEliNgs ThaT hE gIvEs mE... I kNoW a lOt oF tHe WoRdS In The EngLish, And I fInd NoNe WhIcH CaN PaInt The PicTure...)

i digress... The times i have cried because my heart, my soul, was wounded, are outnumbered well by the times when my heart felt as though it owuld burst for him. Felt as though, every cell, of every fiber; as though every ion and atom of tissue was absolutely packed to its fullest containment, with absolute magic... (<--- I DoNt LikE ThaT wOrd But I CaNt FinD A nAmE fOr It. ThErE IsnT onE.)

This man, Matthew Troy Tiedeman, has been granted his greatest wish, this weekend. Too, i discovered, that it was a wish that i had been burning for deep deep deep down within myself, as well. But, believed 97% to 3% that i would not, could not, and should not, ever be granted it. That only bad things would come of it...

No, we are not engaged. And we will not be for a long time. but weve come upon something better, for the moment...

I Have Remembered.

My friends, there are things which seem great to us, wonderful, more wonderful than anything in the world, to us. And we want those things, And we earn, and burn, and pine for those things. Most often in the form of people.

Sometimes, we obtain them. sometimes we dont. when we dont, we cry, when we do, we smile, and run all over creation, crying to the universe, "i am loved! Hear me world! for i know heaven now!"

And, if indeed, it is the first time that we are indeed running all over creation shouting such things, with big silly smiles upon our faces, then our voice booms, like no others, and our smiles are not just big, but the biggest. if indeed we know love for the first time, then, my friends, there is nothing else there in the world. merely you, and that person.

And, occasionally, that first love that takes over all points and parts of your earthly and stellarly planed existences (rEsPeCtIvEly...) will be bad.
will indeed, be rotten and stinking from the inside from the beginning, and well... youll have no idea until it infects you; starting at your mind, and working its way down to your heart. a SysTemaTic Self DesTrucTioN...

Indeed, a decay, which rots the world around you, and the worlds you use to escape from such a world.

and then it is all over, but is it really?
Never!
every day opens, and there is there, hidden deep within it somewhere, a rotted memory, the dust having mingled with the pus upon it, the rotting fibers....
and it comes... from a sight, or a smell, or a word, perhaps a voice.
it comes, and it stays, until you have forced it so harshly, away... somethimes you just think you have... but you havent.

and every time that happens, it ruins that day, because that day no longer holds the possibility of forgetting. That day, no longer holds the possibility of starting over. Ever, Because it always happens, every day. It is out of your control. a vicious circle, of vicious nothings. tattered memory, and unanswered questions.

So you forget it all....

you push it all out of your mind, as though to have never known love at all. There is no memory, no ulterior plane, no smiles, no laughter, not devoted moments, not backlaced with stinking inklings, of treachery.

You know no love.
You may as well have never known it at all.
it would be better that way.
The dead wouldnt linger, and keep out the possibility, of ever living again, no matter what you try, or where you go, or who comes and goes with you. no matter how many hurt you, and no matter how many you hurt, nothign will ever cancel out, what has been done unto you. For indeed, carbon-made, only wants to be unmade.....

So you turn them all away.
I, turned them all away. Indeed i would touch them, hold them, whisper things to them which made them smile.
but i NeVeR, EvEr, eVeR, EvEr....

...let them in.

But as i said...

I Have Remembered

As I sat in the arms of my Matthew the past few days, i realized, finally, how i truly feel for him. And why i had denied myself, and him, my true love.
He had some, indeed he did.
But he had not all of it. because i was in denial of being able to feel so strongly for him as i do. Because such feelings signal a deep and dire danger to me.

We sat on a blankey, in the woods camping, gazing into the fire, and i loved him.

We sat on yet another blankey, in his yard, beneath a tree, watching the deer, smoking cigarettes and dringking WaWa Teas, talking to one another, and he sat behind me, and held me, as we discussed our relationship. Engagement, our past, how far weve come, what weve been through together, what we are going through now.

And i pulled his arms tighter wround me, and snuggled my back against him, and i began to speak. and soon i was not even thinking anymore. Because my heart had known the things which came at that moment out of my mouth, for a long time... a very long time.

but i was afraid of it, and didn't even know it, and i realized that at that moment, as he listened to me, and i talked.

he told me how he had always known i felt this way, abd was merely waiting for me to realize it myself.

he knew i was afraid. he knewif he insinuated, or pushed, that it would ruin things. So he waited. Me still oblivious to him waiting, or that i had anything to do with when he could stop waiting.

And then it happened.

I Remembered.

i felt then at that moment sitting on that blanket there in his yard, with his arms around me, how it felt to love, and to surrender, so completely, without a ghost.

Indeed, at that moment i gave up the ghost. and very gladly.

i love him. And i finally believe it. He always did, but now he knows it even better.

And so it goes, and so it goes....

stupid life...

2005-08-29T21:43:07Z

surgery on wednesday to get my gall bladder out, got stitches in my thumb on saturday becuase im just so wonderfly adept with chef's knives. aye yiye yiye... i dunno... nothing exciting... matts mad at me for somehting. whatever.